I heard that Isabel hit the East Coast last week. OK, I'm lying. I didn't just hear about it; I glued myself to my remote control and watched CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, PBS, NBC, with an occasional foray to the Cooking Channel to see if there were any recipes Emeril was cooking up for storm debris in the form of food. All those sea creatures have to land somewhere, don't they?
"Today we are cooking up a scrumptious soft-shelled crab, made all the softer by having been tossed inland 50 miles in the eye of the hurricane. Pick out the plywood splinters and serve with a savory seaweed garnish. BAM!"
Storm coverage was about what you would expect from our news organizations.
When hubby and I turned on the television last night, there was Geraldo on the beach being buffeted about by wind gusts. We were fascinated, and in awe that he, GERALDO, would challenge Mother Nature in such a fashion. He's usually so reticent about sticking his nose into things and places that might get him into trouble.
We were rooting for Mother Nature.
And, really, wouldn't it have seriously upped the ratings of that news station if, oh, I don't know, a really big wave and an enormous gust of wind had suddenly appeared and taken our beloved Geraldo out to sea? Or better yet, 50 miles inland?
"Today we are serving soft-shelled Geraldo on a bed of sea greens. BAM!"
OK, that was wrong of me, I know.
"Waiter, there's a moustache in my salad...."
I know, that was even wronger. That's a word my children use all the time. Wronger. Meaning to make fun of news correspondents who have been previously and rightfully ridiculed for drawing sand maps for the enemy to see. I have such bright children.
But back to Isabel, or Izzy as I fondly call her. She packed nearly as much wind as Geraldo. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. That was even wronger of me. BAM! No soft-shelled crab for me today.
At one point CNN anchors were talking to one of their correspondents as she stood in the stinging rain and wind. The poor thing was obviously having difficulty standing upright, as she gleefully told the listening audience that she weighed in at a measly 105 pounds. She was hanging on to a cement planter in order to keep from getting blown down the street. The anchors, all warm and dry in their studio, were laughing about having sent one of their tiniest reporters to cover the hurricane.
"Ha! Did you see that? I don't think shampoo is going to get that soft-shelled crab out of her hair! Don't we have anyone smaller that we can send out there? C'mon people, let's think ratings! Where's Geraldo?"
As one reporter had his cameraman pan out to the ocean, he said, "What you're looking at right now is the ocean." It was good that he told me what I was looking at, because for a moment there I wasn't sure. I'm like that. I have trouble telling the difference between land and water. This has often gotten me into trouble.
Then the reporter was startled as what she called thrill-seekers were out and about. They probably didn't realize that the more dangerous areas are reserved for newscasters weighing in at less than 110 pounds, and Geraldo Rivera.
"Why are you out here? Don't you think it's dangerous?" asked the petite reporter
"Yeah, but there's no electricity, so we thought we'd see what the ocean was doing. Can you tell us which way to look?"
Luckily the cameraman knew where the ocean was and pointed it out to the passersby.
There were Storm Chasers with two monitors mounted on their vehicles to record wind speed. They also record dew point and barometric pressure, and they send it out to the weather services to learn more about hurricanes so we can send out a call to our thinnest reporters to head in that direction. Here's what the weather experts have learned to expect from hurricanes so far:
1. Expect wind. Lots of wind. Gusting. Winds will die down once Geraldo gets called to cover another story.
2. Soft-shelled crab prices fall.
3. Reporters congregate and conjugate. If Eskimos have more than a hundred words to describe snow, then reporters on hurricane watch are running a close second in their descriptive prowess regarding hurricanes. How many ways can you say "wind"?
4. Rain and storm surges. We do not exactly know what a surge is, or even where the ocean is, but we are hopeful that the news reporters will show us. With cameras.
You may ask yourself, is it too dangerous to go outside in all this wind? How will I know where to look to see the water? Where can I get a good soft-shelled crab at reasonable prices?
The officials in charge of deciding what to do with thrill-seekers after they are swept away in the high winds and flooding have some advice for you. Their official title is Department of Advice to Idiots Who Go Out In 100 mph Winds. Please take a permanent marker and write your name, the name of your next of kin and their telephone number on your forearm.
And make sure you ask the reporters you see clinging to lightposts to do the same. First ask them where the water is, just in case they get caught up in a really big gust, offshore breeze, scud, blast, blow, fury, whipping wind. (That's all my thesaurus would give me on things to call wind.)
Anyone have a permanent marker?[[In-content Ad]]
