It's interesting to observe the behavior of boys, especially as growing up I had only a sister. I understand the world of girls in a more personal way, though recently I have been learning quite a bit about boy world. Much of this comes from observing their interactions with each other, as well as reading books about the psychology of boys.
I wrote of relational aggression among girls in my last article (Schools, Feb. 22). Such behavior, however, isn't unheard of among boys, though it is somewhat more difficult to detect.
I've noticed that, for the most part, boys seem to get along quite well. However, there are times when misunderstandings among males do arise - for instance, when one boy appears effeminate in his mannerisms, when he acts more "like a girl." Such perceptions can arise because a boy truly enjoys school and studies a lot; or maybe he's quiet and shy; or he cries when someone says something derogatory about him.
Boys too often are expected to "be a man"; by that we mean he should be tough and strong, exhibiting little outward compassion or empathy. (God forbid they shed a tear, no matter what kind of pain they feel.) It can be frustrating to witness boys attempting to live up to such social expectations of maleness, and to watch them ridicule one other for not living up to the expectations. Many, if not most, boys don't feel as if they will be accepted as themselves, for being truly who they are.
In my role as a teen mentor at Magnolia Community Center, I see these boys picking on and teasing each other about many things they cannot change. I can't tell you how many times I've had to step in when teasing and "joking" have gone too far. In such instances, the boys involved simply are trying to prove themselves: the perpetrator is trying to "one up" the victim, to assure his male status; and the victim fears that he will become less of a "man" if he reveals that the teasing truly affects him.
I am not referring to good-natured teasing but to something quite different: taking an insult or a putdown and then wrapping it up in a joke, with everyone around laughing about it. Some of these boys hear the same putdowns over and over.
For instance, perhaps one boy tells another that he is stupid - of course in an ostensibly joking way - relating to an incident in which the victim did something that may not have been so bright. The victim will hear this over and over, laughing along with all the other boys. Eventually, however, he will start to call himself stupid. He'll start to act like it, too.
I've seen this happen many times. It's heartbreaking to watch a young male admit to themselves and others that they are stupid, and that they just can't do anything right.
The bullying that I see among boys predominantly takes the form of teasing and joking that I have just described. Sometimes intimidation does take place, with its threat of violence. Most of the time, though, it is just talk, with the perpetrator trying to gain or maintain his social status, and the victim trying to defend himself and maintain his status as well.
Whatever happens, these boys can't afford to lose. Losing means they aren't real "men." Neither can they show compassion or empathy; that is for girls. So they have to do whatever they can to prove to themselves and their peers that they are cool, that they have what it takes, that they are tough and strong. They want to be strong, to be brave, to be admired-they are, after all, boys.
What's hard to understand, however, is why they fell the need to hurt others in the effort to prove themselves. Why do these boys feel such a need to be cool and accepted? Are we, as adults, as family parents and family members, accepting them as they are? Are we foisting false expectations on them?
What we must do is look past the cool, masculine front boys put on, and try to see them as they really are. For, whether consciously or not, that is something they themselves are asking from the world, everyday-to be accepted as they are.
Ashley Marshall works as a teen mentor at the Magnolia Community Center. She can be reached c/o mageditor@nwlink.com.
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