I'm becoming increasingly popular with strange men lately.
When I check my e-mail each morning, there's a message from "austin" or "junior" or "steve." (Such regular guys, they don't even capitalize their names.) In the Subject line there's an inviting phrase like "you're gonna love this," or "this is better than I thought."
I opened a few of these titillating messages only to discover someone trying to sell me Viagra. Must have gotten a cookie from one of the health sites I visit, I thought. Oh, well. Then, soon after, I noticed the Subject lines started getting bolder: "Makes ordinary men into stallions!" and more ... detailed: "Pop one Friday, bang till Monday!"
Goodness! What, I wondered, if my husband happens to look over my shoulder? How would I explain the latest message from "junior"?
I tried telling my computer to "block messages from this sender." It didn't stop them. Rather, it was if I'd thrown open my door and put out a welcome mat. Viagra cybersales is a burgeoning cottage industry and, I discovered, is not to be denied. Soon after, there came the Viagra imitators clogging my inbox - faster than I could delete them. "Sugar daddy, this drug puts Vi-ag-ra to shame!!" "Stud muffin, this is even better!!!!" (No more restraints!) I now also get e-mails from my new girlfriends, "Agnes" and "Brenda" to mention a few, urging me to "get your man on board the all-night express!" Geez.
This past week still more Viagra and Viagra-like ads have been trying to swarm through my spam filter. Worse, I'm starting to get messages for "Red Hot Mama," whoever she is. Lordy, Lordy.... Who would have imagined? Someone tell me, how did a nice, reasonably dignified woman (and former Sunday-school teacher) get on these e-mail lists, and where will it end?
I'm blaming Bob Dole for all this.
I felt embarrassed for him ever since I saw the venerable statesman talk about the heartbreak of "E.D." on national television. He'd been a candidate for president of the United States, for heaven's sake. Where's the dignity? (Where's the outrage?) How did he get this past Liddy?
Still, I guess you've got to hand it to him. He may suffer from E.D., but he certainly has the pluck to go public with his personal experience of this apparent epidemic. And perhaps it's only right to focus on a uniquely male personal problem after years of bombardment from feminine-products mar-keters. ("What the hell are 'wings'?" my husband used to ask). And those ads for "PMS" (the monthly mood difficulties we women occasionally endure), and the justly ridiculed "FDS" commercials (so-called "feminine deodorant spray" devised by some prank-ster at Johnson & Johnson).
So now it's Viagra. Once Dole gave public testimony to this very personal dysfunction, it became OK for Pfizer to advertise the stuff in more creative ways. "Get a new haircut, Joe?" "Just back from vacation, Joe?"
"Joe," we infer, is the happy (you could even say smug) beneficiary of the new wonder drug. All his co-workers notice there's now something exciting and different about him. We, the viewers, are in on his secret. Today's Viagra commercials also feature handsome young couples - the man is always very manly-looking. Tame stuff compared to those e-mail ads. Some of the new TV ads even feature older couples. Nice people who kind of remind you of your parents, or even grandparents. Now there's an uncomfortable thought.
I guess nobody's privates are private any more.
NOTE: You may be wondering why, like me, you're getting e-mail messages with gibberish in the subject line. Here's an actual example: "onda aylmer sbdc lucas yoda raptor excalibu china million cannonda kingdom aliens surf redrum dodgers cesar mike1" I've learned that it's the extra, non-related words and the intentional misspellings that allow these nuisance messages to duck under your spam radar. Translation: There's no escape!!!
The long haul
Even before the Viagra ads began infecting cyberspace, people were making jokes about it. One Sunday a note made its way around my "moral issues" discussion class, accompanied by snorts of hilarity, junior-high style. It was a "Viagra Liturgy," the opening hymn, "Rise up ye men of God," clearly setting the tone. Even the associate pastor laughed.
In offices the one-liners are still making the rounds:
* "Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night."
* "Did you hear about the new bread with Viagra as an added ingredient? It's called Pepperidge Firm."
* "Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up."
* "Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India tried it and changed the balance of power in the region."
* "It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or Rogain) at the same time, everything works great - but you look like Don King afterward."
Viagra pollutes politics
Last month the BBC published a news story about a member of the Brazilian Congress being forced out of office after being found guilty of distributing Viagra tablets to potential voters.
Now, the Viagra spinoff drugs:
* Projectra - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
* Buyagra - Reportedly causes men to experience a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and other goodies after taking this drug for just two days.
* Flyagra - Sources say this drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). It is an especially useful supplement for men on Viagra.
But seriously, folks...
Erectile dysfunction is thought to be greatly under-treated. In spite of the spate of Viagra ads, it's estimated that about 90 percent of men with impotence problems do not seek medical help. ("Nosiree! I never have any trouble in that area!")
But with so much public attention on ED, drug companies are positively salivating after seeing Viagra's sales rise abruptly. Last year Pfizer took in around $1.7 billion for Viagra alone. More than 20 million men worldwide have taken the little blue pills so far - over half of them red-blooded Americans - with more scripts being filled every day.
The Federal Drug Administration still says Viagra (sildenafil citrate) is safe and effective, but only if used according to the updated labeling. After reports of heart attacks and hypertension in some patients using the drug, the FDA and Pfizer are warning doctors to give careful consideration to a patient's cardio- vascular health before prescribing the stuff.
New information also warns against using Viagra and nitrates at the same time (nitrates are found in many common pharmaceuticals used to treat heart disease).
Now there's Levitra. The newly ap-proved drug (technically, Vardenafil) is touted on TV by the unquestionably manly football coach Mike Ditka. Its makers, Bayer and GlaxoSmith-Kline Pharmaceuticals, claim it's the best one for spontaneous lovers because it works in as little as 15 minutes - less time than the hour Viagra requires.
Vipra is advertised online as an all-natural herbal supplement - a "unique formula composed of age-old Chinese herbal ingredients." You can order it for a fraction of the cost of prescribed E.D. drugs. Its Web site boasts "no side effects" (with no supporting documentation) and "doctor approved" (an empty claim). The FDA has not tested nor approved the use of Vipra. Like virtually all other herbal remedies, its record of effectiveness is mostly anecdotal. ("My uncle tried it and didn't come home for a week!")
Cialis (Tadalafil) is known as "Le Weekend" pill in France for its reputed long-lasting effect. Made by Eli Lilly and Icos Corp., the drug is being held up for approval in the U.S. by a lawsuit filed with the Federal Drug Administration by rival Pfizer. A similar court case was quickly dismissed in the U.K. and is expected to face a similar response in the U.S. some time this year. Claiming to be an "official partner of the PGA Tour," Cialis has already begun its marketing campaign. Promotional materials claim it "gives you up to 36 hours to choose the moment that's right for you and your partner." Yet the small print warns that erections lasting more than four hours require "immediate medical attention." No details are given as to what sort of "medical attention" they're suggesting.
The side effects
All the ED drugs work by increasing blood flow in the critical appendage by blocking an enzyme called phosphodiesterase-5. And the possible side effects of all three drugs mentioned here are similar: headaches, nasal congestion and some diarrhea. We also are not told whether or not to expect those possible side effects to occur simultaneously with expected benefits.
Nor should we forget cost. For prescribed Viagra, expect to pay $10 to $12 per pill (100 mg dose) at your local pharmacy. Levitra is slightly less expensive. You'll find both available from online pharmacies at considerable discounts, but beware: Regulation of such sources is not effective and you're taking a chance on quality. It should be emphasized that no one should consider an online pharmacy without first consulting a physician and getting a prescription. Some of these online outfits offer "free doctor consultation." Don't trust them.
And for all you boomers nostalgic for the '60s: Bogus "Viagra" pills are being smuggled inside everything from teddy bears to electronics components, according to a recent CBS news report. The famous little blue pill is now the most widely counterfeited drug in the world and worth as much to the crooks as heroin.
Some call it the new uppers.
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