"I'm going to make you look 40 again."
This is what my youngest daughter told me she was going to do to me by doing my hair, makeup and fingernails this afternoon. She wants to make me look 40 again.
I'm fairly certain that I don't want to look 40, again or otherwise. I'm not sure where she came up with this idea, but I have my suspicions and I'm cancelling my cable tomorrow so she can't watch the Health and Beauty networks. I always knew television was bad for my children. What I didn't know was that it would bring me such pain.
First she collected my makeup bag, perfume, brushes and fingernail polish. She removed the combs in my hair and began brushing my hair vigorously. Normally I enjoy it when the children want to play beauty shop with me because there isn't anything quite as relaxing as having your hair brushed or played with. OK, that could just be me, but it feels so good. This time, not so much. She was yanking and pulling, then began spraying hair gel all over and pulling my bangs this way and that.
At one point she had them flat on my forehead, and under her breath she commented that it made me look too much like a hippie, and that wasn't the look she was going for right now. She then painfully brushed everything straight back on my head with something that felt like a piece of wood with nails sticking out of it. I'm sure there was blood.
After my hair was shellacked into place, she went to work on my toenails. They are now a shimmery pink. So are most of my toes. You can't tell where my toenails end and my toes begin. Some of my toes are glued together with polish. I think I ripped some skin when I separated them.
Next came the blush. She applied it furiously and said she was trying to get rid of my freckles because someone my age shouldn't have freckles. I didn't think it was possible to use a brush to exfoliate your face, but I guess I just wasn't applying the right amount of pressure. I'm sure I'm freckle (and skin) free in my cheek areas now.
Ashley then began to apply eyeshadow. I had to remind her that my eyes were under my eyelids and she was pressing so hard I was seeing stars. She let up a little bit after that, but not much. Apparently eyeshadow must be applied with force to make it stick better. If that's the case, then my purple eyeshadow is now permanent.
If you don't hear from me ever again, it's because she's about to apply eyeliner and I may be blinded.