Third time lacks charm

If there's one thing to be learned from our recent gubernatorial election, it's to never vote with your real name. Or perhaps to not vote at all. Oh, that's just crazy talk, of course you should vote! Because every vote counts, and some even count twice! And if you're very lucky, you may be able to join our Vote From The Grave club. Then there are the convicted felons who shouldn't vote but just can't seem to help doing their civic duty.

My personal favorite in this entire King County debacle is how they played hide-and-seek with the ballots. This is where you "misplace" trays of signed ballots and then conveniently find them later during the third round of Who Gets To Be Governor. Apparently here in Washington we've been suffering from Florida Envy all these years and didn't even know it. That's been taken care of, though, because now we have pictures of our election officials holding up ballots to the light in order to determine the intention of the voter. I've seen clairvoyants hold the personal belongings of individuals to try and "read" them; this seems to have worked well for the Gregoire campaign. I was able to procure a copy of the King County Election Board's hiring policy, which clearly states the following:

Qualifying candidates will have a winning smile, B.A. in business and the ability to read minds while posing for AP wire photos. You must also play well with others and enjoy a good game of hide and seek. Compensation depends on experience. If you've worked in Florida, we want you!

After the first round, our governor-elect Dino Rossi came out to thank the voters. The closeness of the voting, however, triggered a recount in which Dino Rossi won again. Again he thanked the voters. We, the voters, were basking in the thankfulness, having been thanked twice. Now we could all take a deep breath and concentrate on more important things, like which celebrity couple was going to implode next. Hint: It was Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, but we were woefully in the dark at that point.

In most children's games, this is when the game ends. But we're not like other children, er, citizens of Washington state. We're special. We're KING County, and we take that whole KING thing seriously. Let's count the ballots a third time, only this time let's bring in the mediums!

We all know what happened next. Brad and Jennifer announced their amicable separation, and our world began to spin out of control. Fortunately we were all brought down to earth by the results of the third ballot count. Surprise! Democratic candidate Christine Gregoire won the election in the Republican-challenged county of King. Boy, we never saw this one coming.

Then there was this whole inauguration thing, but I think they should have held off on that and settled the whole matter in a more dignified and civilized manner. They should have determined the winner with a mud-wrestling contest between the two candidates.

I know what you're thinking here. One would obviously have had an unfair advantage over the other - and you'd be right. It's apparent that Christine has been working out, and it might have been a smack-down, but we didn't even try it. And now the voters of this great county, er STATE, will never really know WHO is the rightful governor. We'll all be left to wonder why. Why didn't the other counties use trained psychics? Why did Jennifer deny Brad the children he so obviously wanted? Will Mayor Nickels really slim down as he said he would?

We may never know the answers to those questions, but we do know one thing. Mud wrestling to determine the governor would have been a lot more entertaining. Oh, and Brad? Call me.

[[In-content Ad]]